Hannibal Hayley

October 28, 2011 · Filed under General

I admit that this may reveal a side of me that could be described as unbecoming.  Indecorous?  Possibly…weird?  BUT.  I consider it a public service announcement to all single white ladies out there, trying to survive public transportation in rural Africa, not just physically, but with some remaining threads of emotional stability.  We all know the situation—you board a bus which looked full from the outside but was simply filled with bags, hired-hooligans and women selling juice in a spectrum of absurdly neon colors.  Shucks!  Sitting in an empty seat, you already know, hours in advance of anyone else boarding, who is going to sit next to you.  Every Ugandan man (okay not every), single or not, thinks he has a shot if he can just…sit…next to you.  Please, ask me—“how, Hayley, how can I avoid spending the next 8.5 hours in frustrating small talk and polite refusals to give out personal information?  How can I dodge questions about my marital status and flirting disguised as inane questions such as ‘compare the farms of Uganda and USA’ or ‘I was wondering more about the Tennessee Valley Authority?’ HOW, Hayley, HOW?”

Simple.

Start talking about cannibalism. 

It works!  Or, at least, it worked.  Once, for me.  But I plan to keep testing the strategy.  For example:

• Man (sits way too close): I’m so sorry to ask you this, but…
• Me: If you’re sorry to ask it, then we should just stop there, yeah?
• Man: Are you married?
• Me: No, I’m not
• Man: But why not!!  Marry a munyankore man, they are too, too good.
• Me: No, thank you.
• Man:  Why not?  You have no good reason.
• Me:  Do you ever think about cannibalism?  There are people in the world who actually eat each other.  How can you ever trust someone, really?  What if they are a cannibal?  What if you think they want to marry you but they actually just want to eat your flesh?
• Man (a little taken aback): No….no, no.  I can’t be like that.
• Me:  I wasn’t talking about you….

I think that next time I’ll try licking my lips for effect, though I haven’t quite decided if I’m trying to make the guy think I’m strange or actually convince him of cannibalistic tendencies.  Either way…8.5 hours of mutual silence.